All of you is more than enough for....

I'm going through this phase where I feel like Christianity isn't who I am but something I do - it's like a habit.
I go to church on Sunday because I go every Sunday.
I don't pray as much as I used to.
I barely open up my bible.
God's not absent from my life but He feels far.

Am I backsliding?
Jeez, I sound like I am.
I feel so engrained with Christianity that I feel like I can't really backslide even if I wanted to.
That sounds ignorant.
That sounds like I'm opening myself up for a trap.
I take that back- I'm not messin with my soul and losing Jesus. No way.

Life is just.. bleh.
I've lost my vision, my purpose.
I'm .... just ... living.
Surviving each day.

Have you ever felt alone even when you have some of the closest people at your side?
I think we are brought to that point to remember that God is enough for us.
I am brought to that point to be reminded that who God is to me and who I am to Him is what is important- despite those trying days when I want to survive on my own strength and to act out on my flesh (which is what usually happens). He is there to teach me what it means to be loved where I'm at and to teach me how to love beyone myself. Beyond my own pain and sufferings.

How did He do it? How did he continue to love after he was betrayed? How did he continue to love despite the ridicule? After people had hurt him when He became vulnerable by loving them and becoming selfless-how? When people do that to me I want them to hurt as much as they hurt me. I want them to beg for my attention, my affection for mercy. I withhold myself. I withhold my ability to love them because hey, I was already vulnerable once and I am not letting myself go there again.

And all of this.
Feeling far away from God.
Feeling hurt.
Feeling unable to love beyone myself....
It's all for a reason. God is preparing me for something greater........
And when I realize that- I have to repent for not seeking Him more.. for not letting Him to speak to me the way He wants... for getting in the way of becoming the woman He's created me to be... for living by my own will and not His....

ah.... LIFE